she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
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Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
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Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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