Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
