so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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