$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
