Already got asked if we're dating
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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