I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
