What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
