I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
