Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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