I'd wear matching sweaters with you
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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