Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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