when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
