Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
