Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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