tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
