Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
