I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
