mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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