It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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