I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
