Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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