well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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