I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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