Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
