Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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