where am i from again
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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