Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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