in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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