of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
