1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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