your thong is hanging out like whoa
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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