I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
