Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
