not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
