While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
