We won't sleep together?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
