Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
