Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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