you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Im part way to drunk.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
