Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just invented taco cereal.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
