i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
