i just sent this text using only my big toe
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Pooping to opera.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
