That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
