Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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