I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
