3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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