I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
