You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
