naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
