K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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