i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he was CRYING into my vagina
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
