how can u be prego again
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
