so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
honey bunches of taint.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm always down for nudity.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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