I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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