Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
